Discover the surprising research results below!
For safety and protection, ancient women worked in groups. The daily activity for many of women's ancestors was to tend the children and gather berries, nuts, and seeds to feed the family. Acceptance by the other women in the group helped insure protection and survival. So to ensure survival, every woman worked at building close friendly relations with all the other women. Relationship building was an important survival skill for ancient women.
Women build relationships by talking freely about their daily trivia and troubles. "I'll tell you about my day and troubles, and I will listen to yours so that we can be close." This sharing process of women ensures that they have good relationships, are protected, safe, and have better survival chances.
Women Do Relationship Building Better Than Men. Women today are much better at relationship building than men because it is in their DNA from their ancestors. The habit is still very strong in women's genes today even though it is not needed for survival!
The major drive in our male ancestors, as well as many men today, was "status building". The male ancestors that survived best for millions of years were the best hunters, strongest, and smartest, along with being competitive and confrontational. Men's ancestors knew that working hard to prove themselves as the "greatest hunter" gained them the highest status in their group. They knew that being the "highest status male" would get them the privileges that come with high status: Choice of women, food, and comforts. That is what worked for men's ancestors throughout history. Even today, the high-status males get most of the desired rewards.
This need for superiority in today's men often shows up as being a "workaholic". An underlying cause of a workaholic's drive is the need to have high status and thus reap the rewards at the top. In our modern culture this strategy of "work hard and reap the rewards" generally works.
This ancient need for high status in men is still operating in the deep old brain of today's men. Especially starting at puberty, this need for high status often drives males to take big risks in order to raise their status. Most men compete in many direct and indirect activities to display their superiority. Frequently, they even brag, exaggerate, or lie about their imagined high status.
Unfortunately, teen boys especially may not show much restraint in status-seeking. There are millions of online videos showing male teens doing incredibly stupid stunts on bikes, skateboards, or whatever, trying to prove they are better than the other guys. Teen girls seldom do the same kind of dangerous status-seeking tricks that many teen males do.
When a man hears a woman talking about her problems (to do relationship-building), he thinks she is just complaining or is requesting help! So instinctually, the man responds with solutions to the woman's problems because that should raise his status as a "fixer" of her problems. That is a man's job: to fix things! But this just frustrates the woman because she feels he is trying to diminish her problem or cut her off. She just wants to build a relationship by sharing her problems. She is not looking to get "fixed"!
Relationship and Love Advice for Women:
Recognize how most women build friendly relationships with other women by sharing personal problems and trivia. This habit is a naturally inherited survival tactic from millions of female ancestors. And recognize that most men don't understand this is how women build relationships!
Try to understand that your problems and daily trivia are not important to most men. Men are more interested it their status in their world. High status is what will get them what they want - they think! (And you should know what most men want!)
At men's deepest DNA level, their perceived high status is what is most important for survival and getting sex, food, and sleep. Girls, stop thinking that men are interested in your daily trivia and having a "relationship" with you!
Relationship and Love Advice for Men:
Guys, recognize that you probably infuriate most women trying to build a relationship with you in the way they do it with their women friends. When she tells you about her problems, that is just private information that she is willing to share with you. It is her way of getting close. Shut-up and just listen. Don't try to "fix" her problems unless she asks for your help!
© Copyright 2015 by Lawrence Rodrigues, M.S., Director: EastWest Institute for Self-Understanding
All rights reserved worldwide.